I'm Screaming. Why Don't You Hear Me?

I tend to be a very private person I don’t like to air my dirty laundry if you will, but maybe this reach someone that needs to hear it.

It’s not uncommon to see on facebook when someone has taken their own life the posts on their wall that are akin to, “ I had no idea you were feeling this way!” or, “Why didn’t you say something?” or “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”.

September 18, 2018, I almost ended my life. It was the 2 year anniversary of my mothers passing and I had been broken up with my boyfriend of 8 years for about a month and a half. At that point I thought we were on a path to getting back together. I sent him a text on the 17th saying I really wasn’t doing well, I also sent a similar text to the guy I was fucking. On the 18th no one sent me a text, facebook message or called. Not my dad, not my best friend of 20 some odd years, not a single facebook friend, not one of my half sisters, not the guy I was fucking, not my ex that I had told I wasn’t doing well. 8 fucking years and he couldn't take 30 seconds to say "How are you doing today?" We haven't talked since, by the way.

No one. I came to the realization then that I wasn’t jack shit to anyone except for the person I was mourning. Most days I still believe this to be true. But a crushing sort of lonely panic set in. I can’t describe it to you if you’ve never felt it. I lay there in my bed my pretty pink Ruger LC9 (I call her Lucy) in my hand thinking how just a small movement of one finger could put an end to the Hell that I was then residing in. What stopped me that night? I don’t know probably me falling a sleep. I doubt it was my concern for what my death would do to the people I wasn’t jack shit to.

The way I see it is if I kill myself there are 3 potentials out comes. One I go to heaven or equivalent “good place”. I go to Hell or equivalent bad place, which is where I was taught as a child, suicides go. Then lastly, Nothing. Two thirds of the options suck. Those aren’t very good odds. I wouldn't take the bet. I had said before I would kill myself when I stopped being a coward. When the pain I was in and the things I enjoyed here (food...booze…mostly food...) no longer out weighed the fear of Nothing or Hell. The potential for a release from that pain that night, and the tiny possibility that I could see my Mom again out weighed all the fear of Nothing, and pitchfork carrying demons dancing around laughing at my eternal torture.

Thing is, why did no one know? I was fucking screaming. I was posting quotes from Hamlet for God’s sake. Then I wondered is that why you see those posts on suicide’s facebooks. Were they screaming at the top of their lungs too? Did they interpret the lack of concern as them not meaning jack shit to anyone too?

Why did no one hear me screaming, “I’m not oh-fucking-kay! I want to die and I might do something about it”?

I think part of it’s ego. You don’t want to think someone you love is that miserable because they have you in their life and that would imply a flaw in that relationship and therefore you. Maybe people are so wrapped up in their own misery. Or maybe they didn’t hear it as a scream. Maybe they thought they were being dramatic. Maybe that tells us how much people really do read our facebook status; not much. And maybe they don't fucking care.

I was so certain I was screaming at the top of my lungs… But going back now and rereading some of those posts they were so vague. I was writing in poetry, maybe if I had written in frank prose someone might have gotten it. I was quoting Hamlet for God's sake... How many people fully understand Shakespeare?

Or maybe people only do care once you’re dead. I don’t know, I don’t know much at all. But before thinking no one cares maybe you should make sure that you are speaking the same language. Of that you are actually screaming. Maybe you need to take them by the shoulders and scream in their face... I kinda did that with my best friend... She's helping me deal a little better now.

I’m not a shrink or therapist or a doctor or any expert at all. I’m just a sad girl. If you are suicidal reach out. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255